7/29/19 - Day 2

And so begins the start of the public blog.  Maybe this will be seen by her, maybe not.  But these won't be edited.  These shall be the ramblings and thoughts. 

7/29

This morning has had me reflecting on everything you've said.  I want to try and actively listen, as I'm not that great at it, and I know I can be better.  This weekend was a big blow to me, I am…I am trying to not let myself obsess over it.

I decided I want to do the 5k.  I want to try it and do it.  I was thinking we could still maybe do it together?  If you don't wanna do it together, I totally understand. 

I bought a book called "The lost art of Listening".  I'm hoping it'll help me with getting better with communication (I'm doing all I can to do so)

I can barely focus today at work.  I hate not talking to you.  It makes the day really suck and it is a downer.  I talked with no one about it but I did some thinking last night and I decided you're right, we don't communicate well outside the bedroom.  I wonder what is causing the breakdown.  I'm going to start writing things down and create a outline and address it? (just for myself) 

I guess it'll be more as the day goes on. 

Day two has really sucked and it's not even 9:30,

Something I've been thinking about.  I want you to be honest with me.  Am I a narcissist?  I was thinking about it and I have been wondering given some of the feedback you've given me:

• Hearing, but not listening. (I.e. waiting to talk?)
• Trying to turn it about me
• Overriding/ ignoring your problems (sometimes)
• Trying to make sure everything is done a specific way (control freak)

Can you think of anymore?  I genuinely am curious, as I took a quiz but I want your view, as you see it. 

12:13

I like you, a lot.  You're someone that I want to be with and want in my life.  We jive in person and click well there (in parts) but the bigger problem of text communication is definitely a downer.  I want this to be long term.  I don't want you out of my life.  

I want to know, what am I doing wrong besides texting in this relationship?  I know that the jealousy and not being able to communicate thing is really bad.  Which I'm working on those things.  I've been reading the book at a pretty hefty pace and really processing it.  

I started reading (online) more about compersion and while my gut dropped (or it might be the fact that I haven't eaten in quite a while) I really am trying to take it, understand it, and adapt it.  It's a thing about being happy that they're happy (sexually) .  And for some reason, I haven't felt that manifest, but it's probably because it's a strange feeling for me to feel, even though I want only the best for you.

I want to learn about it, to embrace it, so I can be a great partner.

I have thought a bit and I think that some of my insecurity was coming from the fear of losing you/always being a secondary.  And it's also from my weight, obviously.  I think that I can fix my insecurity in this time period.

I'm reading the communication chapter at lunch.  I…I want to be a better communicator.  I feel like I keep improving as time goes on (maybe as a person) and that is a good thing.

On page 58 it says "We all have things we need to work on. Expect it."

That's why I don't want you to feel bad.  I want you to know that I'm working on things.  Shifting your outlook is NEVER bad.  Don't think that it is!  Please.  

2:46

I've been reading the book for a better part of two hours plus now and I'm obviously highlighting things and reflecting and taking them to heart.  I have figured out a few things but now it's about fixing it. :) 

Getting the emails from you has been the best part of my day, even better than learning I won' the cooking class for two (which I really wanted to take you to!)

I just created this blog as the outlet.  I know you have a journal and I may post some, I may keep some private, but I guess you won't find out about it until Saturday.  Probably for the best. 

I am trying to breakdown everything I'm learning and see if it applies to us and when it does, how it applies to our framework and creating a stronger bond.  Everything is different with you, and frankly, different is the best :) 

I hope you'll feel the same.  - 3:00pm